Held at Arm's Length
by rileyluvr13
Summary: Victoire has always been scared of Teddy being her first love because she thinks she'll lose him forever. But as they draw even closer to each other, can she keep him at arm's length? Written for the First Love Challenge. Teddy/Victoire.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or anything associated.

**A/N:** Written for the First Love Challenge over at Harry Potter Fanfiction Challenges forum. It took me almost like a year, but it's finally done, haha! I hope you enjoy it. :)

* * *

_.: Held at Arm's Length_ _:._

People don't marry their first love.

That's what my mother told me back when I was little and gullible enough to believe everything. But more than anything else, I knew to believe my mum. Even in my eleven-year-old mind, she was right about mostly everything, having lived in two different countries and gone through a lot in life.

"Do not touch zat pot, Victoire," she said when I reached out my hand to a steaming metal one on the stove. "Eet ees hot."

As you can guess, I touched it. And burned my hand to a bright red until she fixed it.

"You will get your letter to 'Ogwarts soon enough, Victoire," she scolded when she caught me glued to the window the middle of July, hoping to see an owl. "Zey usually do not come until ze end of ze month."

And two weeks later, an owl flew through our window, carrying a neatly sealed Hogwarts letter.

Her statement about first love made sense, anyway. My mum constantly told me of one time back in her Beauxbatons days when the Triwizard Tournament came to Hogwarts and she traveled to Hogwarts for the grand and magnificent time. She was one of the champions, but that didn't really seem to matter to her. The Yule Ball was what she reminisced about the most, preferring to block out the rest.

I remember her telling me the story clearly. "Zose 'Ogwarts boys were very 'andsome, Victoire. I brought a fairly good-looking one," and at this point, she leaned over and kissed Dad's cheek, "but not as good as my 'usband."

Dominique sighed, eager to go off and ride her broomstick instead of hanging around listening to love stories, and said, "Mum. Get to the point."

Mum waved her hand and continued. "'Ee was very 'andsome boy, and I fell for 'im immediately. My 'eart would explode every time I saw 'im. My first love. but not ze one for me." She smiled dazzlingly at Dad.

And Dom got up, muttering about love-sick fools like my mum, and Louis would be fast asleep in my mum's lap, but I would just keep staring up at my mother, wondering if what she said was true. That her first love wasn't the one she married, what kind of heartbreak she had to go through.

According to my mother, it seemed inevitable that my first love wouldn't be my last, and certainly not the one I'd wed.

So that's why I tried my hardest not to fall in love with Teddy Lupin.

**-:-**

"Teddy!"

Stepping over a few spiky rocks at the top of the beach, I started to run over to him. He was sitting on the sand and facing the ocean, electric blue hair – his chosen color – visible against the cloudy background. He didn't seem to hear me.

"Teddy!" I bellowed again, my hands cupped on the sides of my mouth. "Teddy!" I leaped over the final rock and sprinted along the vast sand of the beach in front of Shell Cottage.

Finally, he flipped his head around and faintly smiled when he saw me. "Hey, Vic," he said when I kicked up some sand next to him in a skid.

"Hey." I collapsed onto the shore next to him. The sprint had been barely anything – I wasn't even panting. It looked like all the Quidditch training that Dom was forcing into me was paying off.

He turned his head back to the ocean, waves lapping at our toes. I flicked my strawberry blond hair behind my head and took a deep breath. I had had no idea where he was, but I knew that I needed to see him. And now that I was here next to him, I couldn't think of a single thing to say.

"What are you thinking about?" I decided on.

"My parents," he answered. He didn't hold back his opinion when asked an honest question. At least with me, anyway. Don't ask if you don't want to know was my philosophy around him.

I nodded my head and said in my squeaky eleven-year-old voice, "Do you miss them?"

"Yeah." He tossed a rock out into the stormy ocean.

I cocked my head at him. "How so?"

He sighed, shoulders going up, then down. After a pause, he answered, "Last year, on the platform… everyone had their parents standing next to them. All I had was no one."

"But you had me and Dom, you know!"

Teddy laughed, a sound that I learned to love, but it was short lived. "I know. But… I want to know what it's like… to have parents."

I nodded and reached up with one hand to touch his shoulder like I often did when comforting him. But, suddenly remembering my mother's last words ringing around in my head, I quickly withdrew and said, "Teddy, will you be my friend?"

His reaction wasn't what I expected. The laughter bubbled up out of his mouth and he held his stomach, chuckling like it was funnier than the time Uncle George glued Fred to the ceiling fan when he wouldn't behave. "What? What's so funny?" I asked, worry in my voice.

But he only kept laughing, so I put a pout on my face and faced the ocean, hugging my knees to my chest.

Once the gasps stopped coming from the boy next to me, he said, "Aren't I already your best friend, Victoire? I know you're mine."

A warm feeling started to bubble up in my gut, but I quickly shot it down. _No. You can't like Teddy Lupin. You can't._ As if it was only as simple as telling yourself something and expecting yourself to believe it.

"I'm making sure," I continued, "that we're just friends. You know. Friends. Simply good ole mates."

Teddy smiled, nodding his head. I felt a relief creep into my chest, and it filled me with an airy, bubbling excitement, one that was stronger than the fact that I was going to start Hogwarts tomorrow.

He said, "Right. Friends."

**-:-**

When I got to Hogwarts, I started going out with guys.

I mean, lots of guys. I'm probably what Muggles would call a "serial dater." And even though I wasn't a slut, I still earned the reputation as the easiest girl to do. By the end of fifth year, I think I had gone out with almost every male my year in Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, and Ravenclaw, and select few in Slytherin.

Except for one male in particular. One that I vowed never to date. Ever.

But none of my exes had that special spark of first love that I was desperately trying to find. Every one simply warmed me and sometimes filled me with lust, but I never really loved them. It was easy to get any guy I wanted with my eighth of Veela blood, but it was like I couldn't love anyone.

So now, I sighed and used my memorized-by-heart speech from the twenty-first boyfriends on the latest one.

"Hey, um… Jayme?" We stood in the middle of the large Transfiguration courtyard during lunch, sun shining boldly down on us in the beautiful May weather. I had grabbed his hand and ran out of the Great Hall, saying we needed to talk, and here we were now. It was a little empty, but enough people were here to spread the word.

"Vic?" The way he said my name sent shivers up my spine – and not the good kind. "What's up?" Clean shaven, black-haired, and shiny brown eyes. The same way I remembered him everyday.

Unlike a certain seventh-year Metamorphagus who I was trying to get off my mind, and coincidentally was standing off to the side under an archway, trying to keep a straight face at number twenty-two.

I sighed and looked Jayme in the eyes. "Just listen to me. Please."

Molly, my best friend and cousin, nodded from behind his shoulder a little distance away. Since she was my long-lost sister – whom I would gladly replace Dominique with – she promised to support me during this break-up. She knew I was getting discouraged with each guy, and it was like I had hit rock bottom with this absolutely depressed Ravenclaw.

"It's not you, it's me," I continued on, and Molly snorted. I flicked my eyes over Jayme's shoulder to glare at her – just short and sweet, to the point that if she were to ever speak again her life would be in danger – and faced him once again.

"We haven't been… going strongly lately."

I saw the sadness flicker on his face for only a millisecond before he regained composure.

"Well… um… that's – "

"The truth," I finished for him. "And… I think we should take a break."

I heard Molly stifle a laugh, and across the courtyard I saw Teddy roll his eyes and turn around in a circle, leaning against the stone archway when we faced me again.

Luckily, I hadn't inherited the famous Weasley blush, so my pale skin stayed that way when I heard his answer.

"I knew I shouldn't have trusted you. I wanted to believe those rumors were wrong. You were supposed to be different."

I cringed at his harsh words. "I know," I whispered, my head bowed to the ground in shame. Of course, it didn't help that I had an eighth of Veela blood in me to add to my "whore-ish" reputation. Which was completely unjustified.

Jayme turned around and, with hunched shoulders and crestfallen eyes, made his way to class as everyone started to whisper about the latest Hogwarts break-up. Molly came up to me, clapped one hand on my shoulder, and said, "Well. There goes Jayme. Bye bye. I don't think we'll miss you. Victoire certainly won't."

I rolled my eyes and shrugged her off.

"You still feel bad?" Molly could read me like a book, her eyes searing through my façade and right to my soul. "About dumping him?"

"No," I whispered in a small voice.

She looked at me with a sympathizing expression. "I'd love to stay and cheer you up, but I've got Muggle Studies. I'll see you in fifth Potions, right?"

I nodded and smiled, gave her a quick hug, and she walked off in the other direction. I couldn't help but feel how different she turned out from her father, my uncle Percy. According to Dad since I didn't see him much, he was uptight and a perfectionist, always strict. Molly was the exact opposite: playful, careless, happy-go-lucky.

Sighing, I made my way over to Teddy, who was leaning against the stone archway with a smug smirk on his face. I knew I was going to have to face him sooner or later, so why not just get it over with? He opened his mouth to speak.

"Don't say it, Ted," I groaned and continued down to Ancient Runes with him.

He grinned and said, "What? I wasn't going to say much. Just, there goes the nineteenth."

"Twenty-second," I mumbled.

"Right." Teddy nodded, and the joking smile stayed ever present on his face. "Twenty-two. Twenty-two heartbreaks. No big deal!"

"Teddy," I said, letting my hair fall into my face to shield my expression, "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Okay. I promise I'll stop." Teddy's voice had gone from loud and joking to soft and comforting in a matter of seconds. "But I still don't get it."

"Get what?" I asked. What wasn't to understand? I had just broken up with boyfriend number twenty-two, who had barely lasted more than three weeks. Jayme Corner. What was there to be confused about?

"I don't understand why you go out with all these guys if you just dump them a few days later."

I bowed my head ashamedly. Of course he would ask the one question that directly involved him. Of course he would ask the one question that I couldn't answer.

Because I couldn't tell him that I wouldn't allow myself to love him, my first love. I couldn't tell him that I was searching for a first love, because first loves disappeared while the next one stayed. I couldn't tell him the whole reason behind my serial dating that only I dared to tell Molly about.

First love was only first love if it was returned. I needed to find someone who I loved and loved me back. So far I hadn't found anyone while keeping Teddy at arm's length, which didn't seem to be lasting. But I couldn't let Teddy be my first love. I couldn't.

I just couldn't.

I shrugged. "I don't know. It gets boring around Hogwarts sometimes, I guess."

As we turned a corner, Teddy changed his hair color to a sandy blonde, all shaggy and wild. "Aren't I enough fun?" he pleaded, looking like an eager and loyal puppy.

I couldn't find the heart to jokingly put him down, so I laughed, "Yes, Teddy, yes. You're loads of fun."

**-:-**

"Go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?"

It was the one question that froze my blood. The one question that I promised myself I'd avoid if possible. The one question that I never wanted Teddy to ask, ever, so that I'd never have to question my feelings for him. Like what was happening now.

"Y'know you want to. C'mon, Vic? Please?"

My head was bowed to the ground, determined to think things over before I rashly answered. What were the pros? The cons? The chances? Was fate against me if I said yes?

I felt one finger on my chin, and my skin prickled where he touched me but self-will eliminated the tingles. I shivered and kept my eyes to the stony ground. We were in a deserted Charms classroom, just after the prefects meeting let out.

And he wouldn't let me leave. He was blocking the stupid door.

"Vic," he said, "You keep avoiding this. Every time I try to ask, you bolt. I've got you trapped now, so I'm not moving until you say yes."

I grimaced, the sincerity in his voice making me cringe. Thinking he was holding my chin too hard, he released it and took my arms instead. I couldn't stand being this close to him on a regular basis, let alone in a deserted classroom where my only way out was to say yes. If only I could Apparate as he could whenever he wanted.

"Just come with me. Please. It can't hurt you to try."

I don't know why I nodded my head. Maybe his hands on my arms were messing with my mind, or I was under a controlling curse. But what probably made me give in were those eyes, the pleading expression in them. I couldn't let him down. He was my best friend – or, was, until he asked me on this date and I accepted.

But I didn't have to kiss him. Just show up, walk around a little, have a few drinks at the Three Broomsticks, and go back to the castle, right?

I took a deep breath and said, "If I go with you… can we bring Molly and her date, too?"

It was meant to be a tactic to get him to forget about the whole 'date' thing and more about a general friendly get together, but instead, he just smiled wider and said, "The more the merrier."

**-:-**

"You know I don't have a date."

I sighed, dropping down on my crimson Gryffindor bed and rubbing my temples. Of course something like this would happen to me. I would accept a date with Teddy, falling back on the idea of making it a double date, but my best friend couldn't come. Because I forgot that she wasn't with a new guy each week, like me.

"There are tons of guys. Couldn't you just pick one out?"

Molly made a disgusted face and resumed brushing her hair. "No, I can't 'pick one out'. Unlike you, I'm picky about my guys."

Even though she said it jokingly, it still felt like a blow right to my heart.

"Besides," she continued, "they all have dates for Hogsmeade already. Or they're your ex. Which means they're automatically off-limits."

"Why… can't you just take one of my exes this time? I really don't mind," I pleaded. Anything to keep myself from being alone with Teddy.

Molly's mouth dropped. "You're telling me to go out with… your ex? I thought it's, like, the code of girls to not take your best friend's ex-boyfriends."

"I'm willing to break that code," I grumbled a little begrudgingly.

Molly sighed and dropped down next to me on the bed, putting the brush down. "You really are trying not to fall in love with him, aren't you?"

"I'm trying, Moll," I whispered, and she wrapped one arm around me comfortingly. Although it didn't really help. I had gotten myself into this situation with Teddy, and it seemed near impossible to get out of it.

It had to be an afternoon of watching my every step carefully, exhibiting a type of self-control that was way out of my league when we both were attracted to each other.

But I had to try.

"I'll try to find a date, all right?" Molly said, pulling me out of my thoughts. "I'll look for one. And won't stop until I find one. Because I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends down. Got it?"

I nodded, hugged her closer, and prayed that the next day would go all right.

**-:-**

"Ready?"

Molly and I appeared at the front doors leading to Hogsmeade the next weekend in front of Teddy. I was dressed in an oversized cloak with a huge Gryffindor scarf dangling from my neck – the least attractive thing I could find. Molly was the exact opposite, with the tightest jumper she owned accompanied with a cloak that barely covered her exposed shoulders.

My guess was Uncle Percy would have a conniption fit if he saw her.

I nodded my head once, and gave him a small smile. Teddy, whose hair was a faint purple today, reached for my hand, enclosed it in his own, and I suppressed the tingles that were daring to shiver up my spine. We grabbed hands all the time as friends. Why should this be any different?

"Hey! Hey, over here! Woo hoo, Jayme!" Yes, she was calling my ex. Who coincidentally happened to be the only boy free this weekend. We tried practically every boy in sixth year. And he was the only one free.

"Baby, hey," Jayme said, wrapping one arm around Molly's waist and glaring at me over his shoulder. I innocently smiled back, which only made him glare harder and tighten his grip on my best friend.

"C'mon, Vic," Teddy said, snapping my gaze from Jayme as he started to drag me through the gates and into the warm spring air. We reached the cobblestone streets of Hogsmeade in about twenty minutes.

The four of us hopped from store to store, trying on things and laughing and purchasing and having a good time. Teddy even bought me a box of chocolates, which I tried to buy myself since I loved the brand, but he only had to keep a grip on my wrist to keep me from doing so.

It was no different than if we had gone as friends. Nothing was weird, and we just acted as we did normally as friends. He didn't seem to be trying anything other than handholding, probably for my benefit so I wouldn't run away. But I kept on my toes the whole times, wondering when this would stop being so perfect and he would really turn this into a date.

Meanwhile, while Teddy and I were just enjoying each other's company as if we were only friends and not on an actual date, Molly and Jayme seemed to be at wit's end. My cousin would run from display to display, 'ooh'ing and 'ahh'ing at everything until she finally asked Jayme to buy it for her.

And he, trying to be the better gentlemen, paid for loads and loads of quills, parchment, sweets, and gag pranks, all the while muttering under his breath, "Victoire wouldn't buy this," or "Victoire wouldn't ask for me for anything."

I caught Molly in Honeydukes at one point and whispered, "Why are you making him buy all these things for you that I know you have at the castle in your trunk?"

She just grinned evilly and said, "I don't like him either, you know."

The rest of the day passed in a blur. I just let Teddy guide me, trusting him with all my heart to lead me wherever he wanted to. We somehow ended up in the Three Broomsticks with four butterbeers placed in front of us, having fun like always. Well, at least, three of us were.

"Molly," Jayme said through gritted teeth after a good hour of buying her at least six different drinks that she didn't touch, "could I speak to you? Alone."

Molly rolled her eyes, pushed out of her chair, and said, "Merlin, lead the way!"

Once they disappeared outside the shop, the bell jingling behind them, Teddy turned to me with a wide grin on his face. Whether it was caused by the overload of drinks or pure happiness, I couldn't tell, but I was leaning towards the latter, as much as I wanted the former to be true.

"So… is this as bad as you thought?"

I shrugged and took another sip of my second butterbeer. "I don't know. I mean, I guess not. Wait. What I'm trying to say is that… it's like there's nothing that much different. Than us hanging as friends."

Instead of refuting the whole point I just made, he only laughed at my statement and said, "Well, we do have those two with us, which makes it a little difficult."

I rolled my eyes, completely ignoring his double meaning. "Molly's usually with us. I guess Jayme's the thorn in the side. It doesn't seem like anyone likes him that much."

"Who does like that kid?"

We both laughed, clutching onto the handles of our drinks and staring into them, watching the bubbles rise to the top. A steady silence, only filled by the talk of other customers in the pub, filed in between us. It was Teddy that broke it first.

"Back to that first statement you made…"

"Yes?"

He looked right into my eyes, the blue piercing my soul with perfect accuracy. His voice quieted down when he said, "I'd like to make this more like a date."

My chest started to close up. Panic. I was panicking.

"Oh, really?" My voice came out sounding tinny and faraway, almost scared. I'm sure my face looked the same way too.

"Yeah," he said, staring into my eyes unwaveringly. And he started moving closer to my face, still keeping his eyes on me, and mine were wide open and staring into his.

And when his lips met mine, my mind was erased.

The warning about how I shouldn't be doing this was erased. The nagging that said this would only prove to myself that I loved him was erased. The mess that was my thoughts when he leaned towards me – would he kiss me? Would I stop him? Would I remember to stop myself? – was erased.

His lips met mine, and I just leaned into him.

It was a kiss like no other. My other first kisses with boys didn't compare to this. It sent tingles shooting through my limbs, heat rising to my cheeks, my eyes fluttering closed against my will. With other boys, it had always been me who was in charge, me who stopped or started, me who was in complete control of my body.

Somehow, when Teddy kissed me, that control went to him.

Without a doubt, at that moment, I knew that this was what a first kiss, the kiss of love, was supposed to feel like.

And when I realized that, Teddy was so into the kiss like me that I wanted to break it so bad, but I didn't want to hurt him. One hand was on my cheek, urging my lips onto his, which he really didn't have to do, and one hand was gripping the table, as if the desire overwhelmed him so much that he would simply collapse if he didn't have a grasp on reality.

I had to hurt him, though. Maybe it was just the early stages of our love. Maybe there was still time to not love him. Maybe I needed to stop. Now.

It took a lot of force, but I wrenched his eager lips from mine and breathed raggedly to the right. It was an exhausted type of breathing instead of breathing for the lack of air. Kissing Teddy exhausted me. No one else exhausted me.

His hand was still gripping the table, and his eyes had a glazed look in them, but they were still fixed on my face – rather, my lips. "Wow…" he whispered in awe, and started to lean back down for more, but I turned my head even when his hand tried to force me to him.

"Vic…?" he asked, still in a half-dazed state. The questioning tone, the pain in his voice was so clear, it made my eyes fill up with tears. I shook my head slowly, salty water clouding my pupils.

"Merlin, Vic, what are you…" he trailed off and removed his hand from my cheek when he felt the tears stream down my cheeks. "Victoire, what… what's wrong? I'm sorry if you thought it was too much and everything, but I don't really think so, after all that we've been through together, and – "

"No," I said quietly, crying making my voice thick. "No. I… I need to go."

He seemed to snap back into the real world, eyes widening and gripping my chin with a force that was possessive. "No. No, Vic, you don't. Don't run away. Don't tell me you didn't feel anything."

I just stared at the ground, trying to see past his arm. I needed to get away.

"Dammit, don't do that! Don't run away like you always do!" He was truly hurt. He was. "From everyone, from your ex-boyfriends, from me!"

I tore my chin free of his grip, pushed out of my chair, and made a dash for the exit. Just as I was about to pull the door open, it pushed open for me, revealing a flushed Jayme and concerned Molly.

"What – " Molly started but stopped when she saw something behind my back. I heard the scrape of a chair, two footsteps across the wooden floor, and then Teddy's voice.

"Didn't that mean something to you?" he asked in the most heartbroken voice I had imagined. I'd never seen him this serious, ever. "You didn't feel anything? You know you can tell me anything! Just tell me the truth!"

But I was way too much of a coward for the truth.

So I burst out of the Three Broomsticks and walked the whole way alone back to Hogwarts.

**-:-**

"I can't do this anymore."

Dominique stopped pacing back and forth between the beds in the sixth year girls' dormitory and simply stared at me. I was splayed out on my bed, desperately thinking of a way to make things right between Teddy and I again. Or to just make sense of anything. Especially with the kiss constantly running through my mind and making my stomach fill with butterflies.

"No duh, Sherlock," Dominique said, glaring at me through her narrowed eyes. "You've seen him lately, right?"

"Not really," I said, but I knew the truth, that I had seen him. I'd seen him with his eyes a little more dull, and they probably looked exactly the same as mine. I'd seen him with more frowns all around, and I could barely even crack a smile if Molly wasn't around to cheer me up. It was like not only ignoring each other was having a toll on us, but the fact that we weren't friends was just making each of our days worse for the past two weeks.

Dominique rolled her eyes. "So? Look. As much as I'd love to stay and help you figure out romantic rubbish with Teddy, Quidditch champ practice is in five minutes."

"I know, I know. But… I need your advice on what to do."

"Ask Molly," Dominique snapped, facing the window and longingly looking at the Ravenclaw Quiddtich team down below, just warming up. "She knows plenty about guys."

"But not like you do," I pleaded. And it was true. She had been going strong with the same guy for practically two years, enough to call it love, first love. Dominique knew all about what it was like to give in to first love, while I remained pretty much ignorant with the twenty-two guys that came before Teddy.

"Fine. I might know more about love," Dominique said, still staring at the Hogwarts ground, "but the one thing I don't know is how to take the chances you need to."

Dominique? Not take chances? It didn't make sense to me. She was the one who jumped into flying when she was two. She was the one who threw floo into the flames and shouted the destination without abandon, even when she had that lisp until she came to Hogwarts. She was the one who had confidence to do whatever she wanted.

She was the one who took a chance with first love.

"I don't follow you," I said carefully and slowly, hoping she'd catch the question in my voice.

Dominique suddenly turned around to look at me, her icy-blue stare penetrating my soul. "Look. I've been with Jared for, like, ever, you know?"

I nodded.

"Well, I haven't parted with him one bit," Dominique said bitterly. "I want to break up with him, be with other guys, but I'm too scared of losing my first love."

My mouth dropped. "So you're…?"

She nodded. "I love him. And it scares the hell out of me that I won't feel like that ever again. Who knows? Maybe I'll find someone else in the future. But nothing will be able to compare to this particular love, and I don't wanna lose it."

"Does that mean you'll love Jared forever?"

Dominique groaned and sank down next to me on the bed. "Yeah. Yeah, I'll love him forever. And if the first love fades… it'll be okay. Because it won't matter anymore, if we loved each other so much before. I just have to live it while it lasts and not be afraid."

Her words hit me.

And I finally realized what I had to do.

**-:-**

I finally found him hanging around outside in the Transfiguration Courtyard.

His hair was a yellow-orange, probably to match the sun that was streaming down onto the little square, and he was sitting on a stone bench. I stood hesitantly under an archway leading to the courtyard. Should I try to take a couple more steps and reveal myself to him, even though I knew what I had to do?

I tried to be daring like Dominique, I tried to think like Molly, I tried to be as vulnerable as Jayme. What else could I do?

"Um, Teddy," I said back from the shadows, and then stepped forward a little bit into the sun.

He turned his head, giving me a cursory glance, then turned his head down again. As I approached I could see his parchment, only the first two inches filled with writing, and a Defense Against the Dark Arts book open on the bench next to him.

"I'm not going to run away," I said quietly. I thought I saw him shake his head a little, a smile void of humor passing his lips.

I came to stand in front of him. "Will you look at me?"

He said, not moving his eyes, "Depends. Will you be pretending again? Will you lie with your actions?"

"No," I whispered. "I'm trying not to."

At this, he raised his head and met those eyes with mine. They were piercing and immediately filled me with the strength to go on. I could do this. I could stop thinking about my first love, and I could just take the risk. Like Dominique had two years ago.

"I don't know anymore, Vic," he said.

"I know," I said.

"You keep running around in circles around me."

"I know."

"And then you go off on this tangent out of the loop, and I have no idea what's going on."

"I know."

"It confuses me."

"It should."

He put his parchment, quill, ink, and book aside on the grass, and he scooted over a little bit. I was grateful for this friendly gesture, even after how much we had been ignoring each other. I guess in some way, even after all the time we had been studiously avoiding each other, bonds just can't be broken between true friends.

"I haven't been honest or fair to you at all," I said. "You deserve better, Teddy. You're such a good person."

"Thanks, how flattering," he joked.

"Can I be honest with you? And can you promise not to hate me after I'm done?"

He ran his hands through his bright hair. "That's all I've ever wanted, Vic."

"And you won't hate me?"

"I couldn't. I think that's obvious by now."

That kiss. Neither of us could let it go, could we? I took a deep breath and prepared to tell him. Everything, and I wouldn't beat around the bush. I wanted to push forward, for myself, for my future, but mostly for Teddy, who deserved everything I could give him. There was no avoiding it for me. Not anymore.

"Remember that day before Hogwarts all those years ago, when I asked if you could be my friend?"

"Of course."

"I wasn't asking for you to be my friend. I was asking you to only be my friend, nothing more. And I wanted it to stay that way. Because my mother always said that you don't marry your first love. The proof was all around me too, in my mum, in everyone, Teddy, everyone."

I stared down at my hands. They were clenching and unclenching. "So, in my mind, somewhere, I knew that I was going to fall in love with you. I tried to fall in love with other guys. But none of them had the spark. I couldn't let anything happen between us. Because if we gave us a chance then… we'd never be together again."

His hair wasn't red or anything. He was just staring at me impassively. I couldn't tell what was going on in his head.

"That's why I avoided the date. That kiss. But in reality, all of it was better than anything. I've just loved you too much all this time."

There was a silence that seemed to last for hours, but it was probably only for a couple minutes. I sat there shuffling my hands back and forth in my lap, wondering what was going through his mind. I knew he wouldn't hate me – hadn't we proven it was impossible, we were friends forever? – but I didn't know what he would think after this.

"I thought you were smarter than that," he said.

Surprisingly, I was prepared for this. I raised my head and looked him straight in the eyes. "Yes, I know I was, and I should've just stop holding you at arm's length and – "

"That's why I love you too." A smile broke out on his face, one that started off close-lipped and then widened to show his teeth, and warmth spread throughout my body, melting me, and it had nothing to do with the sun.

And then he put a hand on my cheek, bringing my face to his and tenderly kissing my forehead. "I can't believe you overanalyzed everything."

"I can't believe that you're giving me another chance," I said. My grin was as wide as his.

"You were just scared," he said quietly. "You didn't know what to you. Didn't know how to handle love."

"Teddy, I was a bloody idiot. I'm not scared anymore. Can we move past it?"

He grinned. "I think we can."

**-:-**

I think I have learned something from my years at Hogwarts. And it has nothing to do with magic or potions or creatures that hide out in the Forbidden Forest. It has everything to do with living my own life and not being scared of consequences.

I don't know where life will take me from now on. But isn't that the beauty of it? You can't be hesitant or nervous or scared or anything like that. Especially when it comes to love. Teddy and I got together that year when we said we loved each other, and now I'm still together with him. You don't know how many years it's been, or how long it's been, but why does it matter?

Because whether we stay together for the rest of our lives or break apart from fading love, I know it's okay. I know this now in a way that I didn't all those years ago. In my younger years I was so concerned with not falling in love with Teddy that it was impossible to think of the possibilities of falling in love with him.

But now, I think, what if I hadn't taken that leap? What if I was still scared my first love would fade away? I know now that no matter if we grow apart or go separate ways, we're still together. It's like the beach at Shell Cottage – it doesn't matter if the sand gets carried away or the ocean recedes into the low tide, they both make up one complete beach.

And even though people might not always marry their first love, that love doesn't ever fade.

* * *

**A/N:** Did you like it? Please review and let me know. :)


End file.
